My sheets look like a crime scene.
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
So lets not base feelings on vagina tingles
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
