omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material.
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
Randomize
