there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
True strength comes from lack of pants
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
Randomize
