some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
so, what part of "he's slept with a guy" do you not understand?
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
Randomize
