In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
we started drinking at 4pm, somehows its 1 am im in bathing suit running from the cops.....any explanation of what happened?
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
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