i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
well, atleast the road to alcoholism is fun.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
Yeah I'm gunna date him. I figure its regular sex and maybe feelings will come in time...it worked for arranged marriages...
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
Randomize
