the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
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