Done. Eyebrows are waxed, entire body shaved
Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
Ask Niel how long his lasts if he plays with it a lot.
he says 15-20 minutes depending on the porn.
no his phone, idiot.
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
Tell her that we understand the angle wasn't the best on the first video and that we forgive her.
Randomize
