One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
I need to stop researching the drugs I do on Wikipedia. The parts about abuse and dependency hit too close to home
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
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