apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
Small penises have feelings too.
I may or may not be laying in bed naked watching The Nanny. Niles is so spunky.
Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
