i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
WHO ARE THESE GUYS WHY AN ORGRY ON A MONDAY LMAO
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
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