Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
Randomize
