11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
barbara walters just said penis...
Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
I need moral support for this bender
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
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