If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
Randomize
