How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
are you so shy because you have an std?
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
eating pizza to get the taste of dick out my mouth wby
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