You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
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At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
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You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize