she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
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