apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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