I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
kicked my backpack and turned on my vibrator in the middle of class. success.
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
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