i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
Randomize
