just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
Haha o man how much you've grown. From beer bonging wine and wearing cargo shorts to well, beer bonging beer and wearing cargo shorts
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
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