I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
Randomize
