i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
Randomize
