Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
Dont care what i do tnt just as long as i get to chug a beer in somebodys face
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
i was asked to be gay of honor by three different girls and NONE of the groomsmen at any of the weddings is open to experimenting. i mean whats the point then.
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
I feel like i'm being yelled at when you type in all caps.Did you just have bad sex?
Randomize
