Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
Come on, it shouldn't be that hard NOT to suck someone's dick
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
