I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
Randomize
