Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
Do ugly people know they are ugly?
The quiet ones do.
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
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its not facebook stalking, its market reasearch
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
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