Omg just want to confirm: got drunk, naked in street, fucked in bathroom and puked on bart.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Idk I think he's weird but he's also from Wisconsin so that might have something to do with it.
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
Randomize
