You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Randomize
