Blackout barefoot maybe pregnant
Good decisions....
Just got blue box Mac and cheese things are looking up
My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
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