Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
this islike a room full of reasons why i should be in prison
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
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Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
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