My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
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As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
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After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
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