Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
She came in to my room half naked at 3am asking me if I had seen the movie balls deep 7
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
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