just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
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