i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
Currently listening to 'Just Put it in Your Mouth.' remember when i went through that phase?
chicago's viagra triangle is not unlike the bermuda triangle in thatt things just get lost...... planes, ships, dignity, virginity, etc.
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
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