you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
Do u kno any dealers?
I've officially lost all respect for you, dad.
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
This house was built for laser tag.
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
Found your dick twin last night
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
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