Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
Randomize
