haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
I have a love/hate relationship when men come within a 10 minute time frame.
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Randomize
