Umm I'm too high to move.
Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
NoDDING MY HEAD LIKE uyuEAH MOViUNG MY HiPS LioKe YEAhhhhhhhhhhh
wow.
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Randomize
