Latenightwjoannablackberrywontletmespaceitknowsimdrunk
so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
I cant help but queef when the male extremity enters
What is a male extremity?
i didnt realize it was that long since you've had sex
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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