i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
Randomize
