My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
the worst part is we had a camera rolling
Did his mom notice it when she saw u guys?
Yes.
I have to watch that.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
Randomize
