this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
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