You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
Randomize
