I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
she was hot for a redneck and i dont look at teeth
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
Shes the whorey leader of that wolf pack, and all the less whorey wolves report back to her. She teaches them the ways
why does every cop we meet know your name?
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
Randomize
