like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
Na Im fine, just need to un-grow this vagina I've developed
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
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