the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
tonight is proof that a xbox 360 will always be more reliable than a girl ever will
and a girl gets the red ring of death every month
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
Randomize
