Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
I was struggling morally, but once I let go, I came pretty hard.
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
