If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
I haven't answered because I haven't figured out a polite way of saying fuck no
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
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