At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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