Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
Exactly how deep of a burn should you have when you pee before becoming legitimately concerned?
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
So far my survey results are telling me to pawn the ring. Thoughts?
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
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