I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
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