My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
Bring booze and chicks. Separate, or one already in the other. Your call.
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
I love flavors. My neighbour is owide smoking and so am I. I'm adio boooooored and I need an adult.
So were u tired or drunk when u wrote last night's text message?
pills.
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
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